Today is awesome sauce!

I have been trying to see a fertility specialist since August.

I had to jump through hoops and do a bunch of stuff just to get to this point.

I have my first appointment next week!

It upsets me that is was so easy in Hawaii to get things done. 

It's taken at least 3 months just to get to make the appointment.

wish me tons of luck!

I am ready to start actually doing something!!!

I have fallen off the grid.

 

I have been having bad dreams almost every night.

 

I feel gloomy.

 

My weight loss is really weight gain.

 

I am stressed out and feel like my life is kind of of spiraling out of control.

 

The thing is... nothing has changed really besides my habits.

 

I have been calling and calling leaving messages to try and get my specialty appointment for the infertility and no one returns my call. What am I suppose to do?

 

I am afraid for my well paying job because the husband is suppose to retire "soon" but they haven't said when and if they were or weren't going to need me.

 

All I can do is start to save money until the let me go.

Although Cory and I talked about quitting if I became pregnant right before the child would be born.

 

I am worried about his re-enlistment in the Army. What his job will be and if we will be moved and where... the moving will be very stressful on me but I refuse to be without my husband if I can be.

 

I am a military brat, I grew up military and have always had my foot in the door. I know what everything entails. its nothing new for me. However I own a house now and that's a whole new ball game for me to deal with.

 

I am almost back at the weight I was 2 years ago it makes me sad and I just keep doing worse and worse. I keep choosing to be fat over being the confident healthy person I want to be.

The person I was when I married my husband in June.

 

I feel over whelmed.

 

I need to snap out of this bullshit.

 

I need to feel better.

 

I need to be better.

 

I need help.

 

I will get better.

 

Never give up.

 



I have been slacking big time.

I am not being the person I want to be or even thinking like the person I strive for these days.

Lets be honest. Since the wedding in June I have been depressed and packed on 30 pounds.

It was so nice having everyone together at once and I miss it.

I am having trouble bouncing back.

I derailed during that time.

I ate any and everything with no holds bard.

Totally derailing myself from my life change.

I keep telling myself its OK, I'm OK, and I'm not.  

I am ashamed, disappointed and disgusted in myself.

I have GOT to change things around.

1. for myself.

2. for my family

3. for my unconceived child

4. for the self esteem

5. for the energy

6. for the progress

7. to be healed inside out

The holidays are here and this will be the hardest time for me. 

I have faith I can make these changes, I have before, I can again.

I will never give up on myself.

Do better. Expect Better.